I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
