does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
