Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
