I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
These tits shall not be calmed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
