I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
