I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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