i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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