now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
