why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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