I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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