I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
