Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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