if i can run in heels then i can drive
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
