He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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