Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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