you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
