The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
