Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
