Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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