Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
