Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
