Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
