I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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