I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
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I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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