Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
