I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
