if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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