Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
