chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
