Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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