he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
