i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
True but thats because hes a fetus.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
