You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
