He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
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I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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