apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
