I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
