I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
