tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
