My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
