So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
