If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
