took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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