He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
