I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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