Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
