the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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