Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
