i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
