you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
