If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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