Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
