So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
