Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
