she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
