There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
